The Incredible Hulk: A Harry Potter Story
by Shattered Starz
Summary: Another normal year at Hogwarts for Harry, I think not.Everybody is acting different except Harry.His Aunt and Uncle have turned into satanic, rednecked drunks, Ron has become addicted to ebay and Percy has become a transexual Marilyn Manson fan.What else
1. Punk Rock Belly Dancer

"Wake up boy, hic wake up now!" Harry groaned and rolled over, his Aunt Petunia was so odd nowadays. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia got that way after listening to some of Dudley's new punk Cd's. Harry sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. Dudley had turned into a punk; his Aunt and Uncle had turned into satanic red-necked drunks, what else could go wrong this year. "I just can't wait until school", Harry sarcastically mumbled, as he got dressed into some of Dudley's hand-me downs. He opened his door to meet face to face with his cousin, Dudley. Harry quickly shook his head and looked away, it was too early in the morning to be greeted with something that.demented. "C'mon Pot-Head! Some Weasel character just came out of the fire place, calls him self Ron, he does." Harry's mouth dropped wide open. "What did Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, do about it!" Harry shrieked. His Aunt and Uncle would surely kill Ron, all Harry needed to know was what method had they chosen this time.  
  
Dudley winced, "They're serenading him with a belly dance or something. I really don't know, Pot, it was really to awful to watch."  
  
Harry's mouth again dropped open.  
  
Dudley turned to leave and then decided to face Harry again. "Oh, good morning, you stinking orphan." With that he gave Harry a good blow to the stomach and then retreated to his room.  
  
Harry then heard the frightened scream of his redheaded friend, Ron. Through his pain he hurried downstairs.  
  
As Harry approached the living room he heard Ron yelling, "Get back you bloody satanic drunk red-necks or I'll bloody beat you with my bloody laptop!" Harry stopped dead in his tracks, "Laptop? Since when to the Weasley's have enough money to get a laptop, or since when do they use muggle devices?"  
  
When Harry entered the living room he was completely horrified at what he saw. His Aunt and Uncle, both shirtless, had Ron cornered in a um.corner and were belly dancing around him. Ron, who was also completely horrified had only his laptop to save him from the horrific sites. Harry thinking quickly shouted, "Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon! I just saw the UPS man go next door!" His Aunt and Uncle turned, their necks were red alright. "UPS, you say? Vern lets go get him!" With that both Harry's Aunt and Uncle went bounding out side, shirtless to get the UPS man. The poor UPS man was their favorite toy.  
  
Harry looked out the window at his pitiful Aunt and Uncle, God, he felt bad for his neighbors.  
  
"Ron, are you alright?" Harry asked. Ron removed the laptop from in front of his face, "I'm, fine, but uh, can we go before they get back?" "Oh sure I'll just go get my trunk and you can go ahead", Harry nodded at the fireplace. Ron smirked, "Oh Harry, no one travels by floo powder anymore! It's all about your wheels!"  
  
Harry gave Ron a confused glance and then went to get his trunk, and Hedwig. Ron helped Harry load his school stuff into the trunk of his brand- new yellow H2. "Um, Ron since when did you er.start using muggle, er.stuff." Harry questioned as he climbed into the expensive off-road vehicle.  
  
Ron put the key into the ignition, "Harry, haven't you ever heard about ebaY?" Harry shook his head. Ron started the engine and the radio began blasting Marilyn Manson's song mObscene. Harry, who was taken by surprise, jolted back into his seat, "My God, Ron you listen to this stuff!"  
  
Ron shook his head, "Sorry, Harry my bloody brother, Percy must have used this thing last, honestly, if he'd only." "PERCY!" Harry shouted. Ron turned off the radio, "Geez, Harry don't look so bloody surprised. Percy's become a transsexual Marilyn Manson fan, so what?" Ron began to drive out of Private Drive, only hitting about three mailboxes this time. Harry stiffened up in his seat, "What the hell was wrong with this world?"  
  
When they were only about 45 minutes from the Burrow disaster struck. Ron and Harry were stuck in traffic.in between two municipal sewage drainer trucks. "Uh, what the hell is that bloody smell, Harry?" Ron gagged. Apparently Ron hadn't discovered the finer points of the muggle world. "Probably, all of Private Drive's shit, Ron." Harry said through gasps. Ron got a disgusted look on his face. Through his despair, Ron began to bang his head off of the steering wheel. "Ya' know, Ron if you do that for an hour you could burn 150 calories." Ron looked up at Harry all the while banging his head off of the wheel, "No, Harry, that's if you bang your head off of a wall." "No, Ron, it's diffidently a steering wheel." Ron let out a false cough that sounded a lot like, "Wall" "Steering wheel!"  
  
"Wall!"  
  
"Steering wheel!"  
  
"Wall!"  
  
"Steering Wheel!"  
  
"Wall!"  
  
They went on like this for a good while as traffic slowly inched along the road. Finally, after several hours Ron and Harry reached the Burrow. Everything seemed normal, well as normal as a family of extremely poor wizards could be. But the normality existed strictly on the out side of the house, on the inside; well we just won't go there yet.  
  
---  
  
Ashley- I hope you all liked my story. I tried to make each character something they'd never be or didn't act like. Take the Dursley's for instance; they WERE the most normal people around, till I got a hold of them. Lol. Please review, even if you don't like it. I will except ideas and I may want a co-writer later in the story. If you would be interested in co writing email me at aero89ein@hotmail.com Mind you, I MAY want a co- writer, so that means just cause you want to I might not. I dunno, we'll see. 


	2. The Weasleys: Fact or Fiction

"C'mon Harry get you trunk, we'll go inside." Ron said hopping out of his vehicle.  
  
Harry hesitated; Ron didn't now how hard it was going to be to 'go inside'. He wasn't very sure about Percy, Ginny, and the twins. If the Weasley twins were bad before what could they be like now?  
  
Harry couldn't really burden himself with thoughts like these; he was going to school tomorrow.  
  
With very little help from Ron Harry got his trunk inside and set it down in the kitchen. "Mum", Ron hollered, "Honestly, Harry if this woman listened any less, MUM!" Ron's mother didn't come.  
  
Harry looked around the Weasley's kitchen he saw several changes. For instance all the chairs at the table matched and they had a dishwasher. Harry pondered that concept for a while, 'How could someone buy a dishwasher off ebaY'.  
  
A (well two to be exact) shrill, but manly voices interrupted Harry's pondering.  
  
"Ronald"  
  
"Weasley"  
  
"Where have,"  
  
"You been?"  
  
Harry then saw Fred and George scowling angrily at Ron. Apparently they had watched too much Full House and taken on the job of Mr. Mum, or in their case, Mr. Mums.  
  
"Tsk."  
  
"Tsk."  
  
"We are both very ashamed of you mister", the twins angrily scolded in unison, "Now you help Harry, dear Harry, we mean Harry carry his trunk up stairs to your room."  
  
"Yes, Fred, Yes, George," Ron resentfully answered.  
  
"MARCH!" Both twins screeched.  
  
When Harry and Ron were safely nestled away from Fred and George in the elevator (bought off ebaY) Ron began to pout, like a little girl. "Mental. That's all those two are, think the can boss be around like a bloody baby. Well I'm a man now Harry!" Ron said in a very squeaky girl voice.  
  
Harry just shook his head 'yes'. Luckily those were the last words Ron was able to say because the elevator dinged and the doors opened. Harry about fainted when he saw what was on the other side of the door. It was Percy. Harry must have just been standing there for a while staring at the former Hogwarts Prefect and Head Boy. If only they could see him know. Ron kneed Harry to move but Harry couldn't, no don't argue with me he couldn't.  
  
"Hey Harry, baby" Percy said winking at him.  
  
"Uh, Hi Percy, um.p-pleasure to see you again, hehe (nervous laugh)" Harry said still staring at Percy's feathery red boa. Percy was also wearing TIGHT red sequence pants, and red high heels, and that was it (Plus the boa).  
  
"Harry, will you bloody come on!" Ron ordered grabbing him and his trunk. After Harry exited, Percy boarded the elevator and just before the doors closed he blew a kiss towards Harry.  
  
Harry's stomach turned. Now THAT'S disturbing. (no not his stomach, Percy)  
  
"Welcome", Ron said proudly, "To my room. Pretty bloody, eh Harry?"  
  
Harry had to nod, Ron's room was amazing uh..er bloody. There was still all of the Chudley Cannons stuff, but even more better Chudley Cannons stuff. Ron had a flat screen TV (ebaY) that was currently showing interviews with all the players, of all the teams, ever, in the history of forever.  
  
"Wow, Ron I love it, it's amazing but where will I sleep tonight?" Harry asked noticing only one bed.  
  
"Well", Ron said, "Percy insists you sleep with him in his bloody room, but I'll spare you the grief and make you a nice area over there." He nodded at the couch (ebaY).  
  
"Nice area?" Harry questioned raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Bloody hell yea! I'll get you some bloody blankets and some bloody pillows, and some bloody cheerios!" Ron said smiling, he obviously was too happy.  
  
"Um Ron"  
  
"Yea Harry?"  
  
"Do you think I could have some clean blankets and a clean pillow, I'm a tid bit squeamish."  
  
"Oh sure Harry, no problem."  
  
Ron and Harry just hung out until it was time for dinner. Fred and George called everyone to the table. This time Mr. And Mrs. Weasley was there. Harry wondered if they were going to act like Fred and George. The only person missing was Ginny.  
  
"Where is she?" Fred said to George. "I don't know?" George said to Fred. "Oh well we'll just eat with out her!" the twins said in unison.  
  
"Now", said Fred, "Who wants to say grace."  
  
Percy snapped his compacts shut and raised his hand, "Oh, I will Georgey Porgey!"  
  
"Um Percy, I'm Fred." Said Fred.  
  
"Oh sorry Freddie.Deadie hehehehehe" Percy giggled.  
  
"Well if your going to say grace, Percy say it!" George commanded.  
  
"Alright! No need to get testy!" Percy squealed. He bowed his head as did the rest of the family and Harry. "Dear (I don't know who will be reading this so), Please bless our food, but first bless me to make me more sexy then I already am, if that's possible. Also please let Penelope Clearwater (is that her name?) understand why I cut off my pen"  
  
"Ok Percy, Thank you very much! No need to continue!" George demanded in a very loud voice.  
  
"Si, Grasias Senor!" Mr. Weasley said clapping his hands very loudly.  
  
"Uh, dad will you bloody shut up!" Ron said through a mouthful of potatoes.  
  
"MR. RONALD WEASLEY!!!" the twins screamed, "HOW DARE YOU TALK WITH YOU MOUTH FULL!!!"  
  
Ron's eyes got very wide; he had never seen Fred and George get like that before. Their faces were beat read with anger.  
  
"NOW YOU EAT YOUR DINNER AND I DON'T WANT ONE MORE WORD, NO NOT ONE MORE PEEP FROM YOU THE WHOLE REST OF THIS DINNER!!!!" Fred and George yelled in *unison*.  
  
After dinner, which was very quiet except for the occasional Spanish outburst from Arthur Weasley, Ginny finally walked in, with a guy. They were laughing together. Of course Fred and George didn't like this, and neither did Ginny once she saw Harry.  
  
"Uh! Harry, I can explain!" Ginny shrieked.  
  
Fred and George stopped Harry from saying anything, "I think you need to explain to us first missy!"  
  
Ginny ignored them, "Harry, I'm sorry. Wait a sec, I mean I don't know who this creep is!" Ginny punched the guy as hard as she could. Which was hard enough to knock him off his feet and keep him there long enough for Percy to come and get him.  
  
"C'mon Mr. Man we're going to have some fun" Giggled Percy as he held the guy in a headlock and dragged him to HELL ON EARTH!!!! Oh sorry I mean Percy's room.  
  
Ron and Harry exchanged glances.  
  
Mrs. Weasley slowly stood up and dragged her feet over to the elevator and with a swish of her cloak she boarded it and left.  
  
Meanwhile Ginny began to cry after being yelled at by Fred and George and went away to her room.  
  
"Ron, what's wrong with your mom?" Harry asked as he helped clear the table.  
  
Just as Ron was about to answer Mr. Weasley raised his hand and screamed, "SILENCIO!"  
  
The whole room got quiet almost the whole house but the occasional cry, typing noise, and frightened scream kept it from that.  
  
Nobody in the kitchen moved, or talked they just waited while Mr. Weasley stood there with his arm held high. It looked like he was listening to something.  
  
Arthur didn't even breath it seemed everything just stopped. Fred and George rolled their eyes.  
  
Suddenly Harry knew he was going to be there for a LONG time.  
  
o-0 Agree? Disagree? 


	3. Purple Monkey and the Hells Angels

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.  
  
- Hours of silence passed. Mr. Weasley's hand had turned pale white from all the blood draining out of it. The sun began to rise; they had been standing there all night. Suddenly a loud Harley motor could be heard outside the Weasley's home. Mr. Weasley put down his hand and smiled. The twins, Harry, Ron, and Arthur hurried outside to greet Bill. Harry had only met Bill once before.  
  
Bill rounded the corner on a lawn tractor, that sounded like a Harley. He was wearing black leather chaps, a leather jacket with the Hells Angels logo on the back and front. His tractor was covered in bullet hole stickers and sparkly purple flames.  
  
He pulled up in front of them and turned it off. Harry stared at the tractor. It had a Harley motor. "Dad" ,Bill said, "The Hells Angels finally accepted me!" He took off his sunglasses to reveal two black eyes and a couple cuts.  
  
Fred and George both gasped, "What did those big bullies do to our wittle baby!" Bill frowned and pushed them away.  
  
Tears began to swell up in the twins' eyes and they ran into the house. Bill took off his helmet (which was covered in stickers, like the bad biker kind, you know F-off and stuff.).  
  
Mr. Weasley's eyes grew large with terror and he slowly backed up staring at the top of Bill's head.  
  
Harry and Ron noticed this and looked but it seemed that only Ron saw what was on Bill's head. Harry looked around and then pretended he saw it to. Bill also noticed his fathers look and his eyes grew even larger with terror, "What is it dad?"  
  
"Hayun mono morado entu cabesa!" He screamed running into the house. Bill and Ron both looked at each other and screamed louder then Mr. Wealsey. Ron hid behind Harry as Bill ran around the yard banging his head into stuff to get the whatever Mr. Weasley said off.  
  
"What is it?" Harry asked, looking alarmed as Bill ran head on into Ron's Hummer and knocked himself out.  
  
Ron's terror stricken eyes followed something invisible across the yard and into the trees.  
  
"The", he cringed and looked around frightened, "Purple Monkey."  
  
"Purple Monkey?" Harry shouted.  
  
Ron quickly covered his mouth. "Shhhh, it'll hear you!"  
  
"But Ron I didn't see anything" Harry whispered following Ron over to Bill's body.  
  
"Not many can see. You know its so bloody evil, not even bloody Volde.well you-know-who can see it." Ron said lifting Bill's now really badly bruised head up.  
  
Harry sighed, "Ron shouldn't we go pack, I mean we are going to school tomorrow."  
  
"Look Harry! It left a bloody note!" Ron exclaimed holding up which looked to Harry like.air.  
  
Ron's eyes scanned the invisible note and the he read aloud to Harry, "Donde esta la lana de el jefe?"  
  
"What does it mean Ron?" Harry asked.  
  
"It wants to know where the bloody boss's sheep are." Ron said.  
  
Ron stood up leaving Bill lie on the ground, "Don't mention this to Fred and George, it makes them go a little er, crazy."  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
"So you er need anything from Diagon Alley?" Ron asked walking toward the house.  
  
"No" Harry said picking up Bill and dragging him towards the house.  
  
Suddenly the door flew open and Mr.Man stumbled out onto the lawn.  
  
"Ahhhhhh! Mr. Man! Where's Mr. Man!?!" Percy screeched racing out onto the porch, "Oh there you are pumpkin!"  
  
The man's eyes widened with terror just as Mr. Weasley's did and he took off sprinting across the lawn.  
  
Percy (who was wearing a short pink dress and high heels) chased after him. Ron shook his head, "Brothers."  
  
Harry nodded struggling to support Bill's dead weight.  
  
"Er Ron do you think Bills alright, I don't think he's breathing." Harry asked.  
  
"Uh, well you can just leave him on the porch, or in the kitchen he'll be fine." Ron said.  
  
Well Harry and Ron just kind of hung out the rest of the day, they did some packing, and then they helped Ginny pack, and then they watched TV (ebaY).  
  
Finally they decided to sleep. Harry pushed aside the cheerios to make room for himself. Tomorrow he'd finally be home, then maybe everything would be back to normal. -  
  
Yep that's my beautiful chapter 3. It's not really my fav, I didn't have much energy writing it.  
  
Anyway I promise my next chapter will be better, Harry and Ron will be on the Hogwarts express, fun fun! Just wait till you see what I have in store for Hermione! 


End file.
